Late night political humor

23 Dec

“A new poll shows that, for the very first time, voters that view President Obama unfavorably outnumber those who view him favorably. In fact, if he gets any more unpopular, legally, he might have to run as a Republican.”
–Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich signed a ‘no adultery’ pledge. Out of habit he signed it John Smith.”
–Jay Leno

“According to a new CBS poll, 33 percent of Americans say they won’t have enough money to cover their holiday spending. I believe these people are called Congress.”
–Jay Leno

“If there is a shutdown, 800,000 nonessential federal employees will be suspended. You know, maybe that’s our budget problem right there. We have 800,000 nonessential federal employees.”
–Jay Leno

“On the campaign trail, Ron Paul said he does not like his milk homogenized. After this, Rick Perry said, ‘I am also not a fan of gay milk.'”
–Conan O’Brien

“Ron Paul, of all people, is surging in the polls. When Mitt said, ‘My gloves are coming off,’ Ron Paul said, ‘OK, my teeth are coming out.’ And doctors have confirmed that Ron Paul is incapable of a sex scandal.”
–David Letterman

“Mitt Romney has called Newt Gingrich ‘zany.’ If they are taking a good look at Newt, honestly, one word comes to mind and it’s ‘zany?'”
–David Letterman

“Now I wouldn’t be surprised if Romney hit Newt in the head with a rubber chicken.”
–David Letterman

“In Sioux City, Iowa, there was another debate between the seven Republicans running for president. All your favorites were there: Grumpy, Dopey, the other Dopey, Romney, Bashful, another Dopey, and Happy.”
–Jimmy Kimmel

“This was the 427th of 2,000 debates to be held between now and when President Obama is re-elected. There are so many debates. For a group of people who don’t want the government interfering in our lives a lot, they interfere in our lives a lot.”
–Jimmy Kimmel

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