Late night political humor

19 Jan

“Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He won the New Hampshire primary last night. See, this is proof that even the multi-millionaire son of a multi-millionaire can beat the odds and run for president of the United States.”
– Jay Leno

“The thing I don’t like about Romney is that he’s not funny. For a while, the field was looking promising for late night comedians.”
– Craig Ferguson

“I’m having trouble warming up to Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy in the restaurant that comes to your table to make sure everything’s all right.”
– David Letterman

“Seventy-six percent of people polled thought that Mitt was short for mittens. I’d vote for him if his name was Mittens Romney. Other nations would fear us for being so adorable.”
– Craig Ferguson

“Mitt Romney won the New Hampshire primary. Romney’s win in New Hampshire means that he received seven delegates and a wagon full of maple syrup.”
– Craig Ferguson

“Nation, unless you live in a cave, I’m sure you’ve heard that yesterday’s New Hampshire primary was won by Mitt Romney. And if you do live in a cave, I’m guessing you voted for Ron Paul.”
– Stephen Colbert

“Ron Paul finished second. … Paul says if he can sustain those kind of numbers … and if his message continues to resonate … and if Mitt Romney gets hit with a dump truck, he could still win this thing.”
–Jimmy Kimmel

“Ron Paul said he’s ‘nibbling at Mitt Romney’s heels.’ At 76 years old, I hope somebody’s cutting Romney’s heels into bite-sized pieces for him.”
– Craig Ferguson

“In a speech, Ron Paul described himself to the crowd as ‘dangerous.’ Yeah, then one of his handlers fed him some warm milk through an eye dropper and he fell asleep in a shoebox.”
– Conan O’Brien

“Jon Huntsman finished third … and he said he’s happy with the momentum he gained this week. You know it’s got to be fun being a politician. You can spin everything. … Your plane is crashing and you’re saying, ‘We’re happy to be landing ahead of schedule.’”
– Jay Leno

“Rick Perry was philosophical about it. He said, ‘Last week was Iowa. Yesterday was New Hampshire. ‘ He said at least it’s giving him a chance to learn the names of all the states.”
– Jay Leno

“After Iowa and New Hampshire, Mitt Romney’s campaign is now two for two. After his performance last night, Rick Perry’s campaign merchandise is now two for one.”
– Jimmy Fallon

“This GOP race is heating up with the intensity of an Easy-Bake Oven.”
–Jimmy Kimmel

“Fidel Castro posted a blog entry this week titled ‘The Best President.’ Castro thinks a robot would do a better job than President Obama. And if Mitt Romney wins, that could happen.”
– Jimmy Kimmel

“With all due respect, Castro, we tried the robot thing here in California. And it didn’t work out.”
– Jimmy Kimmel

 

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