Late night political humor

20 Jan

Lots of jokes today…

“Mitt Romney, whose father was born in Mexico, is now talking up his Mexican heritage. Not to be outdone today, Newt Gingrich said he once cheated on one of his wives with a woman named Juanita.”
–Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich has released a new ad attacking Mitt Romney because he knows how to speak French. Well Mitt Romney is not the only one. Jon Huntsman speaks Chinese and Rick Perry speaks gibberish.”
–Jay Leno

“President Obama will be going to Disney World where he’ll unveil his new plan to create jobs. And what better place for the president to talk about his jobs plan than Fantasyland?”
–Jay Leno

“Senator John McCain told Sean Hannity that choosing Sarah Palin was still the best decision he ever made. Well, today the Arizona DMV took away his driver’s license.”
–Jay Leno

“A cardiologist now says that former Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards’ trial has to be delayed because Edwards has a life-threatening condition. Hey, don’t all husbands who cheat have a life-threatening condition?”
–Jay Leno

“At the last Republican debate, Mitt Romney talked about his love of hunting. In fact, Romney said on his last hunting trip, he shot three dear and fired two elk.”
–Conan O’Brien

“King Jung Nam, the brother of North Korean leader Kim Jung Un, said that as a leader his younger brother will fail. When he heard this, Kim Jung Un was so upset at his older brother, he yelled, ‘I’m telling Kim Jung Mom.'”
–Conan O’Brien

“President Obama is visiting Disney World on Thursday to promote a new plan to boost tourism. Of course, it’s going to be awkward when he walks into the ‘Hall of Presidents’ and sees them making room for Mitt Romney.”
–Jimmy Fallon

“The State Department issued a new travel warning yesterday, urging U.S. citizens to avoid Syria. Yeah, it was part of a new set of warnings called, ‘Things you were probably doing already.'”
–Jimmy Fallon

“The South Carolina GOP primary campaign is in full swing. Candidates are shaking hands, kissing babies and strategically ignoring Confederate flags.”
–Stephen Colbert

“(It’s) basically a money placenta. I give him nothing and Jon nourishes me in a warm embryonic bath of strategy and cash until I slide out all wet and electable.”
–Stephen Colbert on his relationship with Jon Stewart, who now runs his PAC

Mitt Romney on MSNBC: “If we coordinate (with a super PAC) in any way whatsoever, we go to the big house.”
Jon Stewart: “Which one of your big houses do you go to: the beach house or the ski chalet?”

(After showing Newt Gingrich’s debate comments that he would help poor African-Americans get and keep a job instead of receive food stamps.)
Jon Stewart: “And so it was that on Martin Luther King Day, Newt Gingrich shared his vision of an America where people will be judged not by the color of their skin but by him, Newt Gingrich. And he finds them lazy.”

“Jon Huntsman has dropped out of the race for president to return to his former job as the guy in the picture that comes with the frame.”
–Jimmy Kimmel

“At the first Republican debate, they were standing behind podiums, then they had them at a round table, and then one night they had them in bunk beds.”
–David Letterman

“This SOPA bill is aimed at going after Internet pirates. Not old-school pirates, but the modern pirates, who use hard drives.”
–Craig Ferguson

“On one hand, this bill threatens free speech, the bedrock on which this country is founded. On the other hand, it’s supported by Viacom, which owns CBS.”
–Craig Ferguson

“The bill was cooked up by big studios who want larger fines for websites connected to piracy. People wonder why Hollywood makes such crappy movies and TV shows. It’s because they spend all their time preventing people from stealing the crap they’ve already made.”
–Craig Ferguson

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