Late night political humor

24 Jan

“Rick Perry dropped out of the presidential race. When asked what went wrong, Perry said, I guess America is not ready to elect a dumb guy from Texas. But in time.”
–Conan O’Brien

“Texas Governor Rick Perry officially dropped out of the race for president. Yeah, he just couldn’t get over that one campaign hurdle — you know, talking.”
–Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama aired his first campaign ad of 2012, which promotes his record on clean energy. Obama’s a big environmentalist. In fact, for the election he plans to recycle the same promises he made four years ago.”
–Jimmy Fallon

“Next week Obama will visit Iowa, Arizona, Las Vegas, Denver, and Detroit. Not because he’s campaigning, just because all he could afford was a Southwest flight with a bunch of layovers.”
–Jimmy Fallon

“A hiker who was lost in a blizzard said he stayed alive by digging a snow tunnel and burning dollar bills for warmth. Today he was offered a job as President Obama’s economic adviser.”
–Jay Leno

“President Obama was in Disney World today where he unveiled his new plan to create jobs. He was joined by Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse but not Goofy. He had to stay behind to tend to his vice presidential duties.”
–Jay Leno

“You know why President Obama chose Disney World? It was the only place with longer lines than the unemployment office, so it looks better.”
–Jay Leno

“Rick Perry has dropped out of the presidential race. Apparently, America did not want a conservative, gun happy, intellectually challenged governor of Texas for president. At least not again.”
–Jay Leno

At the debate the other night, Mitt Romney said he is not an avid hunter, but he is happy to go along if someone invites him to go hunting. To which Newt Gingrich said, “Hey, maybe you can tag along with Dick Cheney.”
–Jay Leno

“Tonight was the CNN primary debate with the four remaining candidates. It was kind of a change for Newt Gingrich. Usually when he’s arguing with three people at once, it’s his wife, his ex-wife, and his mistress.”
–Jay Leno

“Everybody thought that Mitt Romney was the big Iowa caucus winner, but it turns out after the recount that Rick Santorum won the Iowa caucuses. You folks know what this means? Neither do I.”
–David Letterman

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