Late night political humor

25 Jan

“Rick Perry dropped out. He said while it’s sad he won’t be president, he can always run again next year.”
–Bill Maher

“Newt Gingrich’s ex-wife went on nightline and said that he wanted to have an open marriage. This is the second wife, talking about him when he was fooling around with what became the third wife. Newt wanted apparently to have his wife and his marriage and also women on the side giving him oral sex. This way he could be nice and relaxed when he went to work and accused blacks of feeling entitled.”
–Bill Maher

“I have not seen anything this surreal since they cancelled ‘Twin Peaks.’ What else can you say about a Republican debate when the rich guy, who’s avoiding taxes – which they like, gets booed and the fat creep into threesomes gets a standing ovation?”
–Bill Maher, on Romney and Gingrich in the CNN debate

“Newt said this is despicable to ask these questions. Why are we dwelling on the past? We should be concentrating on the future and putting America’s children back to work.”
–Bill Maher

“Meanwhile, at the debate, Mitt Romney’s got a look on his face like, ‘Three women at once? Who’s the Mormon in this race?'”
–Bill Maher

“I thought the race was over; I thought Mitt Romney had closed it. You know for a guy that is supposed to be a great business man, he sure can’t close the deal. And now it looks like Mitt vs. Newt; Alien vs. Predator.”
–Bill Maher

“New Rule: Someone has to tell Francesco Schettino that embracing a callous policy of “every man for himself” doesn’t make you a sea captain. It makes you the Republican nominee.”
-Bill Maher

“New Rule: The NAACP must take Newt Gingrich up on his offer to stand in front of the their convention and tell them why black people should want jobs instead food stamps. This way I can finally answer a question that’s been bugging me for years: can Newt Gingrich run?”
–Bill Maher

“Scientists announced that they have detected a brand new subatomic particle. This particle is so tiny, it’s actually smaller than the income tax rate paid by Mitt Romney.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney won’t release his taxes, but on the other hand, turns out Newt Gingrich wrote off two of his marriages as a total loss.”
–Jay Leno

“Last night… anybody watch the debates? Newt was pretty good, I have to admit. He lashed out and said the attacks from the media make it harder to attract decent people to run for office, and he’s right. That’s why we have people like Newt Gingrich running for office.”
–Jay Leno

“Actually, Rick Perry pulled out of the presidential race yesterday – which is bad news for the guys on death row in Texas. He’s coming home and he’s not in a good mood.”
–Jay Leno

“Yesterday Rick Perry endorsed Newt Gingrich, saying Newt isn’t perfect, but who is? To which Donald Trump said, ‘I am!'”
–Jay Leno

“President Obama was in Disney World yesterday. Someone asked if he was going to take a picture with Grumpy and Obama said, ‘Ron Paul is here? Where is he?'”
–Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich was cheating on his second wife while he was prosecuting Bill Clinton for the Monica Lewinsky thing. In other words, Newt puts the ‘hippo’ in ‘Hypocrite.'”
–Jimmy Kimmel

“Gingrich is lining up impressive endorsements. Todd Palin, Gary Busey, and now, Chuck Norris. I’ll tell you, his endorsements could beat up Mitt Romney’s endorsements.”
–Jimmy Kimmel

“During a debate, Mitt Romney said he grew up in the real streets of America. Yes, the real streets, where people pull up next to you and ask if you have any Grey Poupon.”
–Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama was addressing some dignitaries at Disney World. They even put the pants on Donald Duck.”
–David Letterman

“Yesterday in Florida, President Obama kissed a woman on the cheek after she told him he looks good. Which explains why last night, Michelle made him sleep on Air Mattress One.”
–Jimmy Fallon

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