Late night political humor

27 Jan

“Last night folks, Republicans held their eighteenth debate. The question on everyone’s mind: Who cares?”
–Stephen Colbert

“After Iowa and New Hampshire, Newt’s campaign looked terminally ill, which is when he generally moves on to something better.”
–Stephen Colbert

“Rick Santorum (is taking) fire from the left. He may want to get a Kevlar sweater vest.”
–Stephen Colbert

“Mitt Romney released his tax records and they showed that he earned $42 million over the last two years. So now the other candidates aren’t running for president. They’re running to be Mitt Romney.”
–Conan O’Brien

“People who saw Steven Tyler sing the National Anthem at the Patriots game yesterday said, ‘Nancy Regan really looks good for her age.” But Steven Tyler got some of the lyrics wrong, so now everyone thinks the song goes, ‘Flag looks like a lady.'”
–Conan O’Brien

“President Obama gave his annual State of the Union address. And the State of the Union for 2012 is Kentucky. Congratulations.”
–Jimmy Kimmel

“There’s a State of the Union drinking game. Let me just say this, if you really are playing the State of the Union drinking game, you’re probably an alcoholic.”
–Jimmy Kimmel

“Obama focused on four areas he believes are the keys to restoring economic security. Energy, manufacturing, education, and TV shows about cupcakes, which we love.”
–Jimmy Kimmel

“We were ready for Romney to win the Republican nomination, so we had our puns ready: ‘Bright Lights, Big Mitty,’ ‘Mittizen Bain,’ and “Mormon-y, Less Problems.” But then … ‘The Gingrich Who Stole South Carolina.'”
–Jon Stewart

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