Late night political humor

8 Feb

“Mitt Romney is getting some heat today for something he said on CNN. He said he’s not concerned about the very poor. I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to say that out loud. Romney said the quote was taken out of context. And that he absolutely cares about the poor. In fact, his campaign bus runs on the tears of the poor.”
– Jimmy Kimmel

“Not a great day for Mitt Romney. He put his foot in his mouth. He said in an interview, quote, ‘I’m not concerned about the very poor.’ Is anybody even trying to win this thing?”
– Craig Ferguson

“To be fair, to Mitt Romney the ‘very poor’ means anyone who doesn’t use a solid gold toilet.”
– Craig Ferguson

“Mitt Romney’s campaign will start getting Secret Service protection this week. That’s just to protect him from Newt Gingrich.”
– Jay Leno

“Romney won Florida. Have you taken a good look at Romney and his wife? They look like a couple in a Levitra commercial.”
– David Letterman

“Mitt is the guy you think you look like. Newt is the guy you actually look like.”
– David Letterman

“In Florida, Mitt Romney won the Republican presidential primary election. He beat Newt Gingrich handily. Political analysts believe that elderly voters in Florida rejected Newt Gingrich because of fears that he would eventually leave them for a younger state.”
– Jimmy Kimmel

“Newt Gingrich wants to build a colony on the Moon. OK, you say, but why? Well, he wants to be the first American to get divorced on the Moon.”
– David Letterman

‎”Mitt didn’t just beat Newt Gingrich, he stomped him by a devastating 14 percent margin. Fourteen percent! That is higher than Mitt’s tax rate.”
– Stephen Colbert

“More problems for Newt Gingrich; he’s now been told that he cannot legally use ‘Eye of the Tiger’ anymore, so he’s switching back to Viagra.”
– Jay Leno

“This is real; Newt Gingrich is being sued by the guy who wrote the song, ‘Eye of the Tiger.’ He’s using it in his campaign. Gingrich says he wants the song because he’s a big fan of Rocky. He loves Rocky. Did he see the movie? Didn’t Rocky lose to the black guy? Hello. Isn’t that what happened? Am I wrong?”
– Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich is not conceding Florida. He said that Florida has made it clear that this is a two-person race. Yeah, Mitt Romney and Barack Obama.”
– Jay Leno

“A woman in Illinois is auctioning off a 2005 Chrysler that once belonged to President Obama. You could tell it was Obama’s car because it gets off to a fast start and then stalls for the next three years.”
– Jimmy Fallon

“The government may be legally required to release a video of the Osama bin Laden killing. For some reason it co-stars Katherine Heigl.”
– Conan O’Brien

“A new report found that Facebook has created more than 450,000 jobs. Unfortunately, photos posted on Facebook have ended 550,000 jobs.”
– Jimmy Fallon

“According to USA Today, more Chinese tourists are coming to America. They get to see things they’ve never seen before: the Grand Canyon, the Statue of Liberty, adults working in factories.”
– Jay Leno

“It’s the first day of Black History Month. So if you’re watching me right now, it means you have completely missed the point.”
– Conan O’Brien

“The agriculture department says we now have the smallest cattle population in 60 years. That shows you how fat we’re getting. We’re close to putting cows on the endangered species list.”
– Jay Leno

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