Late night political humor

14 Feb

“Rick Santorum beat Mitt Romney in three states and got a huge amount of fundraising. That’s the good news for rick Santorum. The bad news: people are now Googling Santorum.”
–Bill Maher

“Poor Mitt Romney, he’s got the money, he’s got the organization, he’s got the name recognition. He has one weakness: an inability to get votes.”
–Bill Maher

“The other weakness is an ability to find a candidate he can beat. If there was just some way he could run against Mitt Romney.”
–Bill Maher

“Contraception is back in the news, Planned Parenthood — issues that have been real losers for Republicans in the past, especially with women. Makes Republicans lose their votes, makes them seem out of touch, but they say, ‘We’ll worry about that when women get the vote.'”
–Bill Maher

“Rick Santorum is against birth control, he’s against ordaining women as priests, he thinks two women kissing is immoral. See, this is the difference between me and Rick Santorum; neither one of us got a lot of dates in high school, but I just didn’t spend the rest of my life taking it out on women.”
–Bill Maher

“Santorum and Romney, they don’t like condoms because sex should all be about making babies. And Newt Gingrich doesn’t like them because they’re hard for a fat guy to put on in a car.”
–Bill Maher

“Rick Santorum is hoping his three wins in the Republican primaries on Tuesday will position him as the conservative alternative to Mitt Romney. And I think that’s reflected in his new campaign slogan: the other white meat.”
–Seth Meyers

“Rick Santorum said he was concerned about the Pentagon’s new policy allowing women closer to front-line combat, noting that men would have emotions seeing a woman in harm’s way, which I have to say is a compelling case against having men in the military.”
–Seth Meyers

“One time Lady Gaga showed up (at the Grammys) wearing a dress made of meat. One time she showed up in a giant egg. One time she showed up strapped to the top of Mitt Romney’s car.”
–David Letterman

“Rick Santorum is being criticized for saying women might not be suited for military combat because of their emotions. Yeah, Mitt Romney was like, ‘That comment is unacceptable — also, what are emotions?’”
–Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump is criticizing the Scottish government for trying to build a wind farm near his golf resort. That makes sense — I mean, if you look at Trump’s hair, wind is clearly his worst enemy.”
–Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama is backing down and will not require religious institutions to cover birth control for their employees. He flip-flopped. You know what that means? Mitt Romney may be qualified to be president.”
–Jay Leno

“President Obama said a woman shouldn’t have to decide between birth control and buying food. How many guys would make this deal? You buy the birth control and we’ll spring for dinner. That seems fair.”
–Jay Leno

“Tomorrow we will find out the results of the Maine caucus. This is a tough choice for Maine voters – do they go with the guy who is intolerant of gays and premarital sex, or the guy who is really intolerant of gays and premarital sex? It’s quite a choice…”
–Jay Leno

“Have you noticed Romney doesn’t even blow dry his hair anymore? He dries naturally from Rick Santorum breathing down his neck.”
–Jay Leno

“At the big conservative CPAC convention today, Newt Gingrich was introduced by his wife Calista. She said, ‘Newt Gingrich is a man you can trust. I can’t trust him, but you, you people…'”
-Jay Leno

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