Late night political humor

8 Aug

“This week is international clown week. That’s something more terrifying than sharks. There’s a lot of famous clowns. Bozo the Clown, Krusty the Clown, Joe Biden. There’s three right there.”
–Craig Ferguson

“Mitt Romney is claiming he’s going to create 12 million jobs in his first time. But he hasn’t said yet if he’ll create them in China or India.”
–Conan O’Brien

“A former U.S. Olympic swimmer in an interview said that nearly all elite competitive swimmers pee in the pool regularly. So apparently I am an elite competitive swimmer.”
–Conan O’Brien

“Why don’t they allow professional wrestling at the Olympics? They allow pro basketball players and hockey players. Olympic pro wrestling would be awesome. The team from Mexico could wear those Mr. X masks. The French wrestler could hit his opponent with a baguette. Or perhaps just surrender.”
–Craig Ferguson

“Here’s a rule of thumb. If you have to follow your claim with the words ‘I don’t know if that’s true,’ then shut up. Otherwise you might as well put a dead cocker spaniel on your head and start yelling about birth certificates.”
–Jon Stewart blasts Harry Reid for speculating Mitt Romney didn’t pay taxes for 10 years

“That’s right, free government birth control for all the ladies. So, don’t forget to reset your watches and check your calendars because it’s now whore o’clock on the first day of Skankjuary.” –Stephen Colbert

“Saudi Arabia’s first female athlete will be allowed to compete while wearing a head scarf. The Saudi woman said she was thrilled about the ruling all she needs now is a man to drive her to the Olympics.”
–Conan O’Brien

“Did you hear this big scandal? Eight female badminton players were expelled from the Olympics for trying to lose on purpose. So tragically, they’ll never have another chance to play badminton unless they get invited to a picnic.”
–Conan O’Brien

“Seriously, the Olympic badminton players were apparently trying to lose on purpose, a big story. But really, think about it, if you train day and night for four years to be in the Olympics for badminton, in a way, haven’t you already lost?”
–Conan O’Brien

“The U.S. team has swept all the medals in the skeet shooting event. So despite our bad economy, it’s nice to know our country has never been safer from an attack of skeets.”
–Conan O’Brien

“All in all a successful trip. Best of all, Romney has checked three countries off the list of ‘1000 Places To Offend People Before You Die.'”
–Stephen Colbert

“So far China has won the most gold medals, ladies and gentlemen. The Chinese athletes can’t wait to get home and show the medals off to the kids who made them.
–Conan O’Brien

One Response to “Late night political humor”

  1. Anonymous August 8, 2012 at 9:07 am #

    Skankjuary made me laugh out loud

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