Late night political humor

9 Sep

“If your party can run the nation for eight years, and then have a national convention and not invite Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Colin Powell, Karl Rove, or Tom DeLay, you’re not a political movement. You’re the witness protection program.”
– Bill Maher

“Congratulations to Mitt Romney on his purchase of the Republican presidential nomination.”
– Jay Leno

“Paul Ryan made a speech the other night, even a columnist for Fox News said it set a world record for the greatest number of lies in a single speech. To which Mitt Romney said, ‘Game on’.”
– Bill Maher

“Fox News’ coverage of the Republican convention got beat in their ratings by ‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.’ That’s not a good comment on America. One is a view of the world as seen through the eyes of a redneck child, and the other is ‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’.”
– Bill Maher

“Clint Eastwood came out at the Republican convention and did ten minutes of wingnut improv. It was kind of a metaphor for the entire Republican party — a confused old person yelling at something that doesn’t’ exist.”
– Bill Maher

“This is where Clint Eastwood has done a huge favor to us all. Because the Republican Party’s irrationality, that they’ve worked so hard at the convention trying to conceal, was unleashed in a 12-minute improvised avant-garde performance of One Angry Men. Eastwood finally revealed the cognitive dissonance that is the beating heart and soul and fiction of this party! He’s so far gone, they’re hammering Obama for things Bush did, and Romney is!”
– Jon Stewart

“I could never wrap my head around why the world and the President that Republicans describe, bear so little resemblance to the world and the President that I experience. And now I know why. There is a President Obama that only Republicans can see.”
– Jon Stewart

“Mitt had to follow that. He’s a little stiff. He makes Al Gore look like James Brown at the Apollo. And for five minutes the crowd was chanting, ‘Bring back the chair!’”
– Bill Maher

“The Republican Convention decided not to show a hologram of Ronald Reagan for fear it would overshadow Mitt Romney. It’s never a good sign when your candidate is in danger of being over shadowed by something that technically doesn’t make a shadow.”
– Conan O’Brien

“Last night at the convention, the scheduled appearance of three-dimensional Ronald Reagan hologram was canceled at the last minute. Of course they canceled the 3D hologram. They didn’t want to upstage Mitt Romney. He’s only one-dimensional.”
– Jay Leno

“Ann Romney was telling details of their personal life. She said that when she and Mitt were young, ‘He was nice to my parents, but really glad when my parents weren’t around.’ And with his Medicare plan, they won’t be.”
– Bill Maher

“Ann Romney was appealing to women for the women’s vote, and she said she was living proof that if you work hard and apply yourself, there is nothing you can’t marry.”
– Bill Maher

“First the good news: Louisiana, knee-deep in water, but this time, the levees held from the big hurricane. That’s good. However, Tampa, Florida this week nearly drowned in bullshit.”
– Bill Maher

“A young couple got engaged on the floor of the Republican Convention. Thankfully for the Republicans it was a man and a woman.”
– Jay Leno

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