Late night political humor

20 Sep

“Paul Ryan said that he and Mitt Romney won’t reveal their tax plan to the public until after the election. Other politicians couldn’t believe it. They were like, ‘At least do the honorable thing and lie.’”
– Jimmy Fallon

“Lindsay Lohan tweeted President Obama on the topic of tax cuts. Someone needs to tell her she’s Lindsay Lohan and should be focusing on what the president plans to do to cut car insurance deductibles.”
– Jimmy Kimmel

“Mitt Romney released another ad that features Hispanic voters speaking in Spanish. The ad ends with him saying, ‘I’m Mitt Romney, and I have no idea what these people are saying.’”
– Conan O’Brien

“A new poll shows that President Obama has extended his lead over Mitt Romney since the Democratic National Convention. Of course, it didn’t help Obama as much as that other event – the Republican National Convention.”
– Jimmy Fallon

“In Florida, President Obama visited a pizzeria. The owner gave the president a bear hug and lifted him off his feet. Everybody shared a good laugh and then the Secret Service shot the man in the face.”
– Conan O’Brien

“Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is scheduled to address the United Nations on the Jewish holy day of Yom Kippur. That’s like the Kardashians giving a speech on Labor Day.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The conventions were so different. The Democrats finally look like a real political party; the Republicans look like a seminar for how to flip real estate for Jesus.”
– Bill Maher

“The Democratic convention looked like the America I see when I walk down the street. The Republican convention looked like ‘Antiques Roadshow’.”
– Bill Maher

“Did you see that Bill Clinton speech? One by one he picked apart and destroyed every claim of the Romney-Ryan campaign. In fact, today Todd Akin said it qualified as a legitimate rape.”
– Bill Maher

“Of course, it made the Republicans furious. They said, ‘No fair. Not everyone has an ex-president who can speak.’”
– Bill Maher

“It really was a dream night for Bill Clinton – Democrats in love with him, hanging on his every word, Hillary was in China 10,000 miles away. We don’t even know if she saw the speech. In fact, someone said to her today, ‘Did you catch Bill in Charlotte?’ And she said, ‘Who’s Charlotte?’”
– Bill Maher

“The economy is so bad, I saw Mitt Romney at the supermarket buying Lobster Helper.”
– Jay Leno

“The economy is so bad, Clint Eastwood talked to a chair while going through the cushions looking for spare change.”
– Jay Leno

“There was a big shakeup on ‘American Idol.’ There is still a vacant judge’s seat. The producers are in a great hurry to fill the empty seat before Clint Eastwood shows up and starts yelling at it.”
– Craig Ferguson

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