Morning distraction

24 Sep

“Mitt Romney said if he had Mexican parents, he’d have a better shot of winning… But unfortunately Romney was tragically held back by being born of rich white people.”
– Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney was here meeting with the Hispanic Chamber of Commerce. He’s looking for a housekeeper for his place in La Jolla.”
– Jimmy Kimmel

“Mitt Romney is in Los Angeles today for a fundraiser. So that’s one more handsome guy in L.A. auditioning for a role he probably won’t get.”
– Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney was on “Live With Kelly and Michael.” At one point Mitt was asked what he wears to bed. He said as little as possible. It’s the same philosophy that Mitt has in regard to paying taxes.”
– Jimmy Kimmel

“Mitt also admitted on the show that his guilty pleasures are peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and chocolate milk. Even his guilty pleasures are boring.”
– Jimmy Kimmel

“Mitt Romney is trailing in the polls. After being accused of being too vague, Romney’s campaign team says they will start being more specific. When asked when, they said, ‘Soon-ish’.”
– Conan O’Brien

“On Saturday, Mitt Romney took some time off from campaigning to watch his grandson’s soccer game. Though it got awkward when one team pulled their goalie and Romney was like, ‘Look at that – another job lost under President Obama.’”
– Jimmy Fallon

“According to the Labor Department, unemployment fell from 8.3 percent to 8.1 percent last month. But that’s because 368,000 Americans gave up looking for work. Today, President Obama said that’s a step in the right direction, and he is encouraging more Americans to give up looking for work.”
– Jay Leno

“President Obama is attending a fundraiser in New York hosted by Jay-Z and Beyoncé. Michelle is hoping Beyoncé will sing ‘All the Single Ladies,’ while Obama is worried Biden will get up and sing ‘Bootylicious’”
– Jimmy Fallon

“Today is the one-year anniversary of occupying Wall Street protests. Remember those? They stomped out greed forever.”
– Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s Opening Day of the U.N in New York… Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is here. He says he hates gay people and he hates Jews. Boy is he in the wrong town.”
– David Letterman

“I’m watching the news, and I see these protesters in countries like Egypt, Afghanistan, Tunisia. They’re all burning American flags. Where are they getting all these flags? If you hate us so much, how do you have a large supply of flags on hand?”
– Jay Leno

“Anti-American crowds have been protesting and burning American flags over that anti-Islamic film. And the U.S. is now bracing for more protests next week when the film comes out on Blu-ray.”
– Jay Leno

“All over the world people are chanting, ‘Death to America.’ Except in China, where they’re chanting, ‘Not until we get our money back’.”
– Jay Leno

“Arnold Schwarzenegger has written a new book about his affair with his Hispanic housekeeper, and the book is actually called ‘Total Recall.’ In response, she’s written a book about their affair called ‘Alien vs. Predator.’”
– Conan O’Brien

One Response to “Morning distraction”

  1. Anonymous September 24, 2012 at 9:47 am #

    funnier than usual; good time for comedy in America

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