Late night political humor

1 Oct

“Congratulations to both Mitt Romney and President Obama. They both won Emmys for their performance on “60 Minutes” last night. Obama won for acting as if everything has gotten better over the last four years, and Romney won for pretending to care about that other 47 percent.”
– Jay Leno

“At a recent concert, Madonna told the audience she would strip naked if President Obama is re-elected. In a related story, President Obama is now trailing in the polls by 97 percent.”
– Conan O’Brien

“The president’s re-election campaign slogan is “Forward,” which is also his policy on paying for stuff.”
– Jay Leno

“A woman in Tampa, Florida, who is in danger of being foreclosed on, put a giant sign on her roof reading, “Obama, please save my home.” To which Obama said, “Hey lady, I’m trying not to get thrown out of my own house, OK?”
– Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney’s campaign is $11 million in debt. This is the guy that’s going to fix our economy?”
– David Letterman

“A civil rights group said that up to ten million Hispanics could be blocked from voting in the upcoming election because of these changes to the voting laws. Ten million. And that’s just here in LA.”
– Jay Leno

“Monica Lewinsky is writing a memoir about her affair with Bill Clinton. Not a moment too soon. According to reports, she will reveal that he wanted to have a threesome. So despite being a Rhodes Scholar, despite being president of the United states, it turns out he’s just a regular guy like you and me.”
– Jay Leno

“A new book claims the reason Texas Governor Rick Perry did so terrible in the debates and forgot everything was due to a sleep disorder. Apparently the disorder was he slept through grade school, high school and college.”
– Jay Leno

“The president of Iran is in New York today. President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is visiting the U.N. He’s been in America one day and he’s already surged past Mitt Romney in the polls.”
– Craig Ferguson

“All of these political strategists are trying to explain why Mitt Romney can’t seem to get his message out. I’m no strategist but it’s hard to talk with both a silver spoon and a foot in your mouth.”
– Jay Leno

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