Late night political humor

24 Oct

“A new Gallup poll shows that Mitt Romney now has a 7 point lead on President Obama. That’s right, Romney leads by 7 points among people who still answer landline calls from a blocked number.”
– Seth Meyers

“Romney’s policy toward women is clear: we have to alphabetize them.”
– Jimmy Kimmel

“Reality TV star Honey Boo Boo this week endorsed President Obama during an appearance on the Jimmy Kimmel Show. I knew Obama was pro-birth control, but I didn’t know birth control was pro-Obama.”
– Seth Meyers

“Obama is still ahead in the swing states and among women. He is of course losing among men and in any states were you can buy the Confederate flag in a mall.”
– Bill Maher

“They agreed the subjects for the debate were foreign and domestic issues. Which pretty much covers everything, doesn’t it? Where else is there besides foreign and domestic issues? Space, I guess?”
– Jimmy Kimmel

“Obama raised his game, so Romney thought he had to bump up his game even more, so he kind of looked like a prick. At one point he said to the President of the United States, ‘Hang on, you’ll get your chance.’ You should not be surprised, the Mormon church has been saying this to black people for decades.”
– Bill Maher

“I was watching TV last night, and I see this stupid infomercial for Crest Whitestrips that goes on for like an hour and a half with this guy just smiling. Then I realize it’s Joe Biden. I’m watching the debate.”
– Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney said he had binders of women made up. But first of all, who else keeps binders of women? Serial killers. Every serial killer movie, the cops bust into the serial killer’s lair and what do they find? Binders of women … and then they open the freezer and a head falls out.”
– Bill Maher

“He never answered the question about equal pay for women. An anecdote in not a policy. When asked about equal pay, he said he supports women in the workforce. This is like being asked about ending slavery, and saying, ‘I’m wearing cotton right now.'”
– Bill Maher

“Today Joe Walsh, the douchebag congressman from Illinois said abortion to save the life of a mother, that’s just an excuse. He said modern technology and science make it so you cannot find one instance where there’s dying in child birth. Ladies, before Election Day comes, ask your doctor if the Tea Party is right for you.”
– Bill Maher

“The part of the debate I thought was most telling was when Mitt Romney claimed that Obama did not call the Benghazi attack in September an act of terror until two weeks later. And then Obama said, ‘Check the transcript, asshole.’ And then Candy Crowley, the moderator, came in and said, ‘Yes, I was there, it’s true, he did call it that.’ Well, Fox News was pissed off about this. They said, ‘We have seen a lot of low-down dirty debate tricks, but introducing facts!’ And Mitt Romney was furious. He was so mad at Candy Crowley, he took her right out of his lady binder.”
– Bill Maher

“You can sense the election getting very close. Both candidates are now working very hard to shore up their support among women. In fact, today they both pledged to increase domestic production of Ryan Gosling movies.”
– Conan O’Brien

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