Late night political humor

26 Oct

“Tonight President Obama and Mitt Romney debate foreign policy. Pundits say it will be close, but it will probably go to the candidate who wore the ‘I killed Osama bin Laden’ T-shirt.”
– Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump says he will reveal big news about President Obama on Wednesday. Trump said he would have announced it sooner, but faking a Kenyan birth certificate is harder than it looks.”
– Conan O’Brien

“The final presidential debate was held tonight in Boca Raton, Florida, and was moderated by 75-year-old Bob Schieffer from CBS News. That’s right, 75 years old – or as Florida residents call that, ‘a tween.'”
– Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump has a big announcement regarding President Obama. Apparently he has evidence that Obama was born in ‘Romnesia.'”
– Jimmy Fallon

“So far for Halloween, sales of Obama masks are 30 percent higher than the sales of Mitt Romney masks. That makes sense. I mean, what’s scarier than four more years of this economy?”
– Jay Leno

“Tonight was the third and final presidential debate. The good news? Tonight was the third and final presidential debate.”
– Jay Leno

“The debates made it to three episodes. That makes it NBC’s most successful show so far this season.”
– Jay Leno

“Today is the last presidential debate. It was moderated by newsman Bob Schieffer. I think he did a great job, but gave too much time to ‘candidate you disagree with,’ and he didn’t let ‘the guy who should be president’ respond to those ‘outrageous lies or important points, depending on your point of view.'”
– Craig Ferguson

“Tonight is the third and final presidential debate between former Governor Mitt Romney and future former President Barack Obama. Now I’m TiVoing it, so nobody tell me whether the moderate or conservative Romney kicked the lethargic or energetic Obama’s ass.”
– Stephen Colbert

“Oh please, Mr. President. Everyone plays by the same set of rules — and at the end of the game the rich flip over the board and yell, “I win!”
– Stephen Colbert

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