Late night political humor

7 Nov

“Everyone is asking how this storm is going to affect the election. I think it’s given Obama momentum because of how he handled it. He approached it so differently than Bush; he showed up.”
–Bill Maher on Hurricane Sandy

“Obama’s been getting bipartisan praise for how he handled the hurricane. Even Fox News tried to praise it. Of course, they’re heart’s not in it. The best they could do was Pat Buchanan said, “You’re doing a heck of a job, Brownie.'”
–Bill Maher

Tonight they’re having a big benefit that is bothering Fox News on NBC for the victims, with all the stars from New York and New Jersey – Billy Joel, Bruce Springsteen, Bon Jovi. On FOX they said ‘where are the conservative performers?’ That’s right, that’s what would help so much. ‘Thank you Bruce Springsteen. And now a dramatic reading from the Starr Report by John Voight and the remaining Oakridge Boy.'”
–Bill Maher

“Forget ideology. Mitt Romney is just always wrong about everything. He was wrong about bin Laden…he was wrong about FEMA. He said only a few months ago we should get rid of FEMA and let private enterprise handle disaster relief. What a great idea. Of course, on Wednesday he released a statement saying no, he loves FEMA now. I tell you, if you think a super storm is bad, if Mitt and anti-Mitt ever met, the universe would implode.”
–Bill Maher

“They did not have Halloween in New Jersey Wednesday night. Governor Chris Christie postponed it by executive order until Monday. However, he did spend the day scaring Republicans by praising President Obama.”
–Jay Leno

“New York City is desperately trying to return to normal. Wait a minute. When were we normal?”
–David Letterman

“You folks ready to vote? On the bright side, after Tuesday we’ll finally be rid of at least one candidate. That’s good news.”
–David Letterman

“Mitt Romney is reminding everybody about changing your clocks. He’s urging his voters, his constituents, and all Americans to turn your clocks back to 1954.”
–David Letterman

“Yesterday in Virginia, Mitt Romney criticized President Obama for making puns about his name, like ‘Romnesia.’ Then he said, ‘I mean it’s just an ‘Obamanation.'”
–Jimmy Fallon

“This week the U.S. unveiled a larger, more convenient checkpoint at the border with Mexico. And then Mexicans unveiled a larger, more convenient tunnel around it.”
–Jimmy Fallon

“The New York Marathon is now not happening on Sunday. Mayor Bloomberg canceled it. I think that was the right thing to do. In fact, I don’t even know why they bother running the marathon. We know what’s going to happen. Why not just find a random Kenyan, put a medal around his neck, and save everyone the trouble?”
–Jimmy Kimmel

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