Late night political humor

14 Nov

“Here’s what they’re saying was Mitt’s problem. He lived in his own bubble, his own little air-tight capsule, surrounded by sycophants who told him only what he wanted to hear. Wait a minute, I’m sorry, that’s me.”
– David Letterman

“No gloating. The Republicans are licking their wounds, which is ironically Mitt Romney’s health care plan.”
– Bill Maher

“This was a great week for gay potheads who love Obama. Or as I call it, ‘Hollywood.'” – Bill Maher

“On Tuesday night, Mitt Romney’s staff briefly published his victory website by mistake. Republicans called it an embarrassing error, while Big Bird called it ‘the scariest two minutes of my life.'”
– Jimmy Fallon

“Pot was legalized in Colorado and Washington. This calls, not just for a reexamination of the drug war, but an entire rerouting of my touring schedule.
– Bill Maher

“The Republicans are in full sour grapes mode. They lost because of Obama’s dirty tactics, the biased media, and non-whites, and the promise of giveaways to takers. You know, if you scrubbed every inch of your house and something still smells like s**t, it’s time to take a shower.”
– Bill Maher

“It’s got to hurt Mitt Romney. The better the voters knew him, the worse he did. He lost Michigan, one of his home states, in a landslide. Lost Massachusetts in a double landslide. And listen to this, he did worse with Mormons than Bush did. THAT is a legitimate rape, ladies and gentlemen.”
– Bill Maher

“The head of the CIA and former General David Petraeus has resigned because of an extramarital affair. So guys, let that be a lesson for you. If the CIA director – who has access to phony passports, elaborate disguises, has safe houses all over the world – if he can’t keep an affair secret, you’re screwed. You don’t have a chance.”
– Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney’s family has been trying to console him since Tuesday’s loss. In fact, this morning they took him to Ikea just so he could feel what it’s like to put together a cabinet.”
– Jay Leno

“I heard an update from Con Edison, the electricity company. They said the Republicans now will be without power for the next four years.”
– David Letterman

“The election has been over for three days, but already there’s a new survey that says Hillary Clinton is favored to win the Iowa caucuses in 2016. You’d think they could have at least waited until we peeled the ‘I voted’ stickers off our jackets.”
– Jimmy Kimmel

“The survey showed Hillary Clinton with 58 percent of the vote, Vice President Biden with 17 percent, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo at 6 percent, and Massachusetts Senator-elect Elizabeth Warren with 3 percent. A woman who has not yet expressed any interest in running is well ahead of some other people who aren’t running. Good study.”
– Jimmy Kimmel

“There’s also a rumor that Romney will write a tell-all book based on the diary he kept on the campaign trail. That’s in case you ever wondered what Ambien looks like in book form.”
– Jimmy Fallon

“I knew Obama was going to win. I knew this little secret. Use it next time there is an election and see if it doesn’t work out. The guy who wins the presidential election is usually the guy who kills bin Laden.”
– David Letterman

“Republicans are talking about being open to compromise when it comes to the fiscal cliff. And I’m saying, ‘What the hell have you done with the real Republicans? Where are the real Republicans? That’s not the Republicans I know.”
– David Letterman

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