Late night political humor

21 Nov

“Colorado and Washington just legalized marijuana. If Hostess can’t figure out a way to make money off of that, then maybe they shouldn’t be in the snack cake industry. I guess I’ll just have to take my business to Little Debbie.”
– Jimmy Kimmel

“Last night we had a rough audience, very unpleasant. And then halfway through the show they voted to secede.”
– David Letterman

“After the election, 20 states said they’ve got to get out. They said, ‘We can’t take it anymore,’ so 20 states are working on seceding from the United States. We’re facing real economic problems, so take those 20 states that want to leave and charge them $10,000 apiece.”
– David Letterman

“Yesterday Barack Obama looked especially good. He looked relaxed and ready to lead, so he took questions from the press for 20 minutes then finished up with a few Al Green songs.”
– David Letterman

“Arizona elected the first openly bisexual congresswoman. She’s a lady promising to reach across the aisle and grab whatever’s there.”
– Conan O’Brien

“Facebook also has an app that can help you lose your job. It’s called Facebook.”
– Jimmy Kimmel

“During his final speech on the House floor yesterday, Congressman Ron Paul said the Constitution has failed. Which must be a bummer because he’s actually one of the guys who signed it.”
– Jimmy Fallon

“There are now reports that President Obama will name Massachusetts Senator John Kerry to be the next secretary of defense. Apparently this is part of America’s new defense strategy to bore our enemies to death.”
– Jay Leno

“The economy is so bad that on the way to work I saw Phil Jackson holding a sign that said, ‘Will coach for food.'”
– Jay Leno

“The economy is so bad, MSNBC had to lay off 300 Obama spokesmen.”
– Jay Leno

“The economy is so bad, President Obama sent Susan Rice out to defend it.”
– Jay Leno

“A decorated war hero has an affair with his own sexy biographer, who thinks the spy master is stepping out on her with a second girlfriend. So she sends an email from a secret account saying ‘step off or I will cut a bi-atch.’ And the second hottie freaks out and contacts her friends, FBI agents, who launch an investigation, but gets pulled off the case because he sexed her a shirtless photo. The spy master protegé, also a general, has sent thousands of e-mails to the second woman. This isn’t just a love triangle, folks. It’s a love pentagon.”
– Stephen Colbert

“‘Skyfall,’ the number one movie at the box office this week, made over $100 million. It’s the biggest opening ever for a James Bond film. There’s not a lot of sex in the movie — it’s very downplayed. See, James Bond is just a secret agent. It’s not like he’s head of the CIA.”
– Jay Leno

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