Late night political humor

3 Mar

Late-Night-Political-Humor-11-sized“We are 24 hours away from massive across-the-board budget cuts. If the cuts go into effect, major airports could face delays up to 90 minutes – or as JetBlue calls it, an on-time departure.”
–Conan O’Brien

“These automatic budget cuts are serious. It could negatively affect water and sewage services. In other words, all of America is about to embark on a Carnival cruise.”
–Conan O’Brien

“According to a new study, Hawaii is the happiest place in America to live. And I thought it was just a great place to pretend you were born in.”
–Craig Ferguson

“Pope Benedict is officially retired. Apparently there was some last-minute tension at the Vatican because they wouldn’t give the Pope his security deposit back. ”
–Craig Ferguson

“In the next few weeks, a group will assemble in the Vatican. Their job is to select a new Pope. The group will consist of 120 top cardinals and Simon Cowell. He’ll say, ‘Your Pope-ing is rubbish. You’re not going to the Vatican.'”
–Craig Ferguson

“This horse meat scandal just keeps growing. And it isn’t happening only in Europe. According to a new report, donkey meat has been found in hamburgers in South Africa. Consumers said when they were eating the burgers, they sensed something was wrong but they couldn’t quite pin a tail on it.”
–Jay Leno

“In fact, in South Africa more than two-thirds of the meat products tested contained undeclared ingredients. Or as we call that in this country, a hot dog.”
–Jay Leno

“Doesn’t sequestration sound like some kind of side effect from a bad medicine?”
–Jay Leno

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