Late night political humor

15 Apr

Late-night-political-humor-colbert-sized“I believe the time is right. Anthony wiener is a changed man. His own brother gave The New York Times this moving testimonial: ‘There was definitely a douchiness about him I don’t see anymore.’ I think his mayoral campaign just found his slogan: ‘Anthony Weiner, now less douchey.'”
–Stephen Colbert

“That reduction, that lowering in the douchey level, has not come easy. As Weiner’s brother pointed out, ‘No one has been harder on him than he has been on him than he has been on himself.’ And we all know how hard he can be on himself.”
–Stephen Colbert

“Finally, after months of wrangling, President Obama has unveiled his highly anticipated 2014 budget. And apparently neither Democrats nor Republicans are happy with it. Then Obama said, ‘Yeah, that’s how you know it’s good.'”
–Jimmy Fallon

“Anthony Weiner, remember him? The Peter Tweeter? He’s now thinking of running for mayor of New York. And believe me, he has thought long and hard about this.” –Jay Leno

“It’s starting to get serious – China has warned North Korea about starting a war. China told them flat out, ‘Do not fire any missiles at the United States at least until after we get our money. They owe us $16 trillion. Wait until then.'”
–Jay Leno

“Some experts believe North Korea has a missile that could reach Los Angeles. And of course, if North Korea did attack Los Angeles, that would start a war with Mexico. The whole thing would escalate.”
–Jay Leno

“South Korean officials today say they’re highly confident that North Korea will launch a medium-range missile any time now. Which I guess means Dennis Rodman failed.”
–Jimmy Kimmel

“Why do I feel like this whole thing could be solved by sending Kim Jong Un a Disneyland pass?”
–Jimmy Kimmel

“North Korea is ruled by Kim Jong Un. Over the weekend, the premier of China told Kim Jong Un to chill out. Now, when the premier of China tells you to chill out, it’s like Mel Gibson saying, ‘Whoa, easy on the tequila.'”
–Craig Ferguson

“Dealing with the North Koreans is very difficult. They have a history of making irrational decisions to divert the world’s attention from the fact their system has totally collapsed. No wait, sorry. I was thinking of NBC.”
–Craig Ferguson

“North Korea has the same ability to launch a nuclear strike against America as I do. It’s like walking through a parking lot and getting barked at by a Chihuahua locked in a car.”
–Bill Maher

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